She pulled over at the front of her house. It was raining, that misty light rain showering the sidewalk. The back window was rolled down, so that Kobe, her four year old Labradoodle, could hold his head out the window.
She had to finish this text. She would send it, he would think she was crazy, say “Okay” or maybe put up some resistance. But ultimately he would leave. She’d tested him enough. If he couldn’t get past her whirlwind of thoughts, emotions and high expectations, how could he manage the father of her children?
Ahmad would have to believe her. He would have to trust her, if they were to ever have anything more. Taliah couldn’t help but push him away, so she tapped away…
I feel like I wanna end things with us. I am so triggered by small things. When I’m with you things are so awesome then after a few days I’m anxious. This could be for many reasons, but would primarily include the marriage I was in. That’s why I have gone back to therapy.
Nonetheless, I thought that aspect of feelings would go away this second time around with you. I felt I could handle this type of relationship with you. And really I can’t. So, I find myself in the same space as before.
You have been so patient and gracious with me. How I behaved at the party was very embarrassing. And at the same time reminded me of how I was treated for many years. I felt like I became the person who hurt me so badly.
Is this dramatic? Yes, but my feelings be so strong. Anyways, you’re living the single childless life and it’s like your friend said…I have baggage. It doesn’t feel like baggage to me since everyone has some, but I get it. I can’t do the limbo thing with you, even though that’s what people do nowadays. It’s stressful and as much as I want you, I don’t want to be stressed. Maybe I’m archaic and an anti-feminist but this is not for me. This literally makes me feel crazy.
Should she send it? Before he had cancelled their plans together, Taliah was already on edge. These guys were either crazy, ridiculous or boring. Dating felt like being greased up with Aquafor and pushed down a 100ft metal slide. Just today, she dropped two serial texters within the last four hours.
But she felt better now. Maybe she’d save the message and talk to him about her feelings later. Ahmad had a rough day and since he’d told her that he’d be out of touch the next few days, she saved it in her notes and texted,
One day I will have the courage to tell my tale. I won’t be afraid of those who won’t believe me or just brush it off. There will be someone on this earth whom I could always trust to try to understand. I am a vault, so much so that when I was dying inside I looked like I was winning. In spite of it all God honored my prayers and blessed me and my children. Although I played a silent role in that film, I was the director and producer.
Just watched a video of Tabitha Brown testifying about the goodness of the Lord. As she describes her lowest state, I resonated so deeply with that. To see where God has brought her in 6 short years is mind boggling. At this big age; I wonder if there is a better life out there for me. I have always had my dreams of grandeur for my life, but it just never came to be. It never was the reality I so desperately wanted at every stage and phase of my life.
I have always thought that it could be better. People could be kinder, loyal, loving and true. I always knew I deserved better, yet in the most desolate of times there was always a ram in the bush. And every time I made it out I was given even more hope in the beauty of life and humans.
And one day I decided to come out of the shadows, to speak up for myself and those I loved. That I and we would not be misused any further. That the generational pattern ended with him and me; EVEN IF that ended him and me. The cost was way too high, I could not risk the very reasons I lived and persevered.
When the jig was up, the mask fell off and I was public enemy number one, in a new city and unemployed.
This is a random post about my baby girl who this summer became a tween.
My mild-mannered, easy going, super chill Selah Bear has become emotionally unstable. Never mind the fact that we spent the summer saying goodbye to our friends, awesome neighborhood, packing and moving to a new city in the suburbs of Chicago. Now my daughter says things like…
“I feel like you’re my sister, not my mom.”
“I like this boy at school.”
“I need alone time.”
Usually, when I’d raise my voice she’d stand there stone-faced, now her eyes well up with tears and I find myself apologizing instead! She runs away from confrontation, rolls her eyes and pretends she doesn’t hear me.
Where did my baby go? But for all the changes, we are closer now than ever. And yes, she is like a little sister. I speak frankly with her, swivel my neck and talk to her like one of my homegirls. I see her smile and her eyes sparkle when I’m my silly self, and she says things like…
“Mommy you’re so beautiful.”
“You look like a teenager, not my mom.”
“You should be a chef and open your own restaurant.”
This blesses my heart and makes me want to cry. But I hold it together and squeeze her tight, grateful for these tween years.
teachquelle 