i ❤️ suffering

I release the need for suffering

Stopping time to dwell in the past,

letting guilt and shame sweep over me

Where are my flaws?

I see them all

crouching angrily at the door of violation,

weak boundaries, fear and self depreciation

All the good done with a knife behind their back,

lured by another sad song they slowly attacked.

Bit by bit til there’s little left

and I finish the job riddled with regret,

For all that could have been avoided

had I listened to me, the truth – divinity.

Warning me not to satisfy my insatiable curiosity

the beauty of our species and their depravity.

I’d wonder how they’d break my heart in the light of my love.

I’d ponder the ending, manifesting a betrayal as epic as Judas.

Then grieve, shout and sob whilst clenching my chest.

111

Shit just hit me like a ton of bricks

I’ve been healing so long that I’m feeling sick

And tired of being sick and tired

All those who’ve applied have been fired.

The turnover is out of control

For a lovergirl who’s out on parole

One one one

One for the money

One for the love of my life

One last dance to the beat and this rhyme

Of melancholy, betrayals and deception

Knowing my ancestors are my protection

Spirit guides don’t fail me now

I’m the captain of this ship

Universe let’s take a bow

Karmic debts been paid.

It’s time to cash out.

not so arbitrarily

this ache in my chest

and water in my eyes

never thought i was good at goodbyes.

could i be less direct?

lay it down with more finesse?

i imagine your love story without me

a supporting role as an obstacle

to the one who got away,

or the one who never came.

because when i did

they were still first on your list.

i image you reuniting with this long lost love

and remembering me as the one who pushed,

or shoved

you over that fence

you so easily straddled

while i giggled and gaggeled,

gushed over you and the door you opened

to a whole new world i was too afraid to discover,

on my own

and alone,

there could be no better guide,

so i’ll exit stage left

love has its own compass

i hope it’s you love finds…

not so arbitrarily.

i want you to see me

i want you to see me

grounding and inspiring, my heart has not been the same 

since we last exchanged

laughs, words, dreams and thoughts

still longing for what i thought we were – ought

to be and meant to be

more than memory

i can feel your pull from so far away

never feeling your touch, i wish you had stayed.

yet you tried to fight for me while telling me to go

you had no time to communicate 

with someone whose words came too slow.

i felt so inadequate. 

lacking the the words and phrases 

to articulate all my moons waves and phases.

yet where you are is where you should be.

i fear that i could never be…

enough. 

although i want so much

am i digging in the dirt?

scavenging for scraps 

when i should tend to my own garden

sew my own patch

work-ing on me

with words i release this anxiety 

that feels it would ease 

if you could just see

me.