teacher – teachquelle

Grandmother’s Table

Chapter One

She pulled over at the front of her house. It was raining, that misty light rain showering the sidewalk. The back window was rolled down, so that Kobe, her four year old Labradoodle, could hold his head out the window.

She had to finish this text. She would send it, he would think she was crazy, say “Okay” or maybe put up some resistance. But ultimately he would leave. She’d tested him enough. If he couldn’t get past her whirlwind of thoughts, emotions and high expectations, how could he manage the father of her children?

Ahmad would have to believe her. He would have to trust her, if they were to ever have anything more. Taliah couldn’t help but push him away, so she tapped away…

I feel like I wanna end things with us. I am so triggered by small things. When I’m with you things are so awesome then after a few days I’m anxious. This could be for many reasons, but would primarily include the marriage I was in. That’s why I have gone back to therapy.

Nonetheless, I thought that aspect of feelings would go away this second time around with you. I felt I could handle this type of relationship with you. And really I can’t. So, I find myself in the same space as before.

You have been so patient and gracious with me. How I behaved at the party was very embarrassing. And at the same time reminded me of how I was treated for many years. I felt like I became the person who hurt me so badly.

Is this dramatic? Yes, but my feelings be so strong. Anyways, you’re living the single childless life and it’s like your friend said…I have baggage. It doesn’t feel like baggage to me since everyone has some, but I get it. I can’t do the limbo thing with you, even though that’s what people do nowadays. It’s stressful and as much as I want you, I don’t want to be stressed. Maybe I’m archaic and an anti-feminist but this is not for me. This literally makes me feel crazy.

Should she send it? Before he had cancelled their plans together, Taliah was already on edge. These guys were either crazy, ridiculous or boring. Dating felt like being greased up with Aquafor and pushed down a 100ft metal slide. Just today, she dropped two serial texters within the last four hours.

But she felt better now. Maybe she’d save the message and talk to him about her feelings later. Ahmad had a rough day and since he’d told her that he’d be out of touch the next few days, she saved it in her notes and texted,

Hope you have a better night.

She felt like a dumbass.

joshua 1:9

You’ll find grace here because I’ve been in your place

You’ll find that I’m fit to tie shoes unlaced

Can empathize with every predicament

Can sympathize in whatever state your in

I know I don’t look like I’ve been to hell and back

Cried oceans of tears, almost drowned in my sorrow

My brood the only reason for waking up on the morrow

Wishing each gasp of air was my last breath

Beat my chest at God wanting Him to end it.

And he did

But I didn’t go out like no bitch

So there are no excuses

So here is the short and quick of it.

Know yourself, to thine own self be true

Become the person you’ve always wanted to

Be, have, and needed as a child and teen

Kill your inner victim, you’re your greatest enemy

Make peace with God and self, it’s time to fly free

Ask our fathers on the ancestral plane

To lead and guide you to victory and out of pain.

You’re not a child, stop taking unnecessary risks.

You’re a man now, stop putting up with your own shit.

Be the parent your child would be proud to have

Be the partner and lover who secures the bag

It’s all so very simple but you’d rather make it hard

Only night reveals who you really are.

Shine bright king, you’re the captain of your ship,

on to other harbors, you’re well equipped.

Tap in and don’t take another sip or inhale

Until you’ve set the intention to prevail.

*Joshua 1:9 – Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”

Busting Through Bricks Like the Kool Aid Man

Today marks the last month of student teaching and let me just say that graduate school are not for mother’s with a husband and children. Matter of fact, school is for kids, not real adults.

Anyways, check out that title! I seriously considered walking out the class today. Pretty sure my kids gave me a legit headache and actually made my head spin so quick that I had to ask my CT for some on site pain reliever.

My Professor posted a discussion question entitled, Your journey & a jump out the window story. He describes a teacher actually jumping out of a second story window, dangling on the ledge, running to his car, burning rubber never to be seen or heard of again. I don’t blame the guy.

You just might see me busting through my oblong windowless classroom like the Kool-Aid man.