Tag: pain

Click

I’m still not sure if I want to engage

in this play

Of exploitation and capitalism

If I tapped out right now

Finally took a bow

Leaving behind nepotism’s prison

suddenly then came the hit

Like finally something clicked

And I saw all I wanted in you.

The synchronicities are uncanny

You meet me where I’m lacking

Pushing aside my greatest fears

The pursuit and your need to have me near

You ask if this is too much

And I think it’s more than enough

Delaying gratification to satisfy

A false sense of security that denies

The existence of a broken heart

healing slowly

Rejecting those who are lonely

as they do her

With sugar coated lips that lie and deter

From truth

They are her mirror

so she goes within

Hoping it clicks and she detaches

Coming in and out of the matrix

Finally with herself again

Hoping the next time she plugs in

Every loss will feel again like a win.

the girl that got away

It’s funny how you would even consider

Being better does not have to make me bitter

Just irritated that you would think

You’d ever have it better than me

Thought that if you had one

Then you could have two

But I’m a whole lotta woman

And you bit off more than you could chew

Looking over there thinking you could find

A love so pure and true I’d call you mine

Knowing I know you like you know yourself

Without the ancillaries

And the cards you were dealt

Now you see that I see you

It’s funny how you’d considered

Me choosing you

perspective: a series

One day I will have the courage to tell my tale. I won’t be afraid of those who won’t believe me or just brush it off. There will be someone on this earth whom I could always trust to try to understand. I am a vault, so much so that when I was dying inside I looked like I was winning. In spite of it all God honored my prayers and blessed me and my children. Although I played a silent role in that film, I was the director and producer.

Just watched a video of Tabitha Brown testifying about the goodness of the Lord. As she describes her lowest state, I resonated so deeply with that. To see where God has brought her in 6 short years is mind boggling. At this big age; I wonder if there is a better life out there for me. I have always had my dreams of grandeur for my life, but it just never came to be. It never was the reality I so desperately wanted at every stage and phase of my life.

I have always thought that it could be better. People could be kinder, loyal, loving and true. I always knew I deserved better, yet in the most desolate of times there was always a ram in the bush. And every time I made it out I was given even more hope in the beauty of life and humans.

And one day I decided to come out of the shadows, to speak up for myself and those I loved. That I and we would not be misused any further. That the generational pattern ended with him and me; EVEN IF that ended him and me. The cost was way too high, I could not risk the very reasons I lived and persevered.

When the jig was up, the mask fell off and I was public enemy number one, in a new city and unemployed.

joshua 1:9

You’ll find grace here because I’ve been in your place

You’ll find that I’m fit to tie shoes unlaced

Can empathize with every predicament

Can sympathize in whatever state your in

I know I don’t look like I’ve been to hell and back

Cried oceans of tears, almost drowned in my sorrow

My brood the only reason for waking up on the morrow

Wishing each gasp of air was my last breath

Beat my chest at God wanting Him to end it.

And he did

But I didn’t go out like no bitch

So there are no excuses

So here is the short and quick of it.

Know yourself, to thine own self be true

Become the person you’ve always wanted to

Be, have, and needed as a child and teen

Kill your inner victim, you’re your greatest enemy

Make peace with God and self, it’s time to fly free

Ask our fathers on the ancestral plane

To lead and guide you to victory and out of pain.

You’re not a child, stop taking unnecessary risks.

You’re a man now, stop putting up with your own shit.

Be the parent your child would be proud to have

Be the partner and lover who secures the bag

It’s all so very simple but you’d rather make it hard

Only night reveals who you really are.

Shine bright king, you’re the captain of your ship,

on to other harbors, you’re well equipped.

Tap in and don’t take another sip or inhale

Until you’ve set the intention to prevail.

*Joshua 1:9 – Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”

i ❤️ suffering

I release the need for suffering

Stopping time to dwell in the past,

letting guilt and shame sweep over me

Where are my flaws?

I see them all

crouching angrily at the door of violation,

weak boundaries, fear and self depreciation

All the good done with a knife behind their back,

lured by another sad song they slowly attacked.

Bit by bit til there’s little left

and I finish the job riddled with regret,

For all that could have been avoided

had I listened to me, the truth – divinity.

Warning me not to satisfy my insatiable curiosity

the beauty of our species and their depravity.

I’d wonder how they’d break my heart in the light of my love.

I’d ponder the ending, manifesting a betrayal as epic as Judas.

Then grieve, shout and sob whilst clenching my chest.