i want you to see me

i want you to see me

grounding and inspiring, my heart has not been the same 

since we last exchanged

laughs, words, dreams and thoughts

still longing for what i thought we were – ought

to be and meant to be

more than memory

i can feel your pull from so far away

never feeling your touch, i wish you had stayed.

yet you tried to fight for me while telling me to go

you had no time to communicate 

with someone whose words came too slow.

i felt so inadequate. 

lacking the the words and phrases 

to articulate all my moons waves and phases.

yet where you are is where you should be.

i fear that i could never be…

enough. 

although i want so much

am i digging in the dirt?

scavenging for scraps 

when i should tend to my own garden

sew my own patch

work-ing on me

with words i release this anxiety 

that feels it would ease 

if you could just see

me.

a marketable history teacher

I am all in my feelings right now, so this post is super emo. Honestly, I just want to teach high school history. Is that so wrong? But when I google, “How to be a marketable history teacher,” all I get is that the path I am on puts me on a long list of applicants with minimal positions available.

People are advocating, “We need good teachers!” But where the jobs at?

When I look for openings in the many districts, I am interested in there is maybe one position open. It is all about the Math and Sciences, Special Education and ESL endorsements. Instead of the History AEPA (Arizona Educator Proficiency Assessment) exam, I should be taking the Social Science Exam. Instead of getting my masters in Secondary Education, I should have pursued an English degree. Seriously, who wants to hire a teacher with zero years experience and a Masters degree?stress

Is anybody out there?

I am so discouraged.

Have I done all this for nothing?

Should I quit?

p.s. A friend just sent this to me and I’m in tears.

23768906_964971503653164_980103611_o